I’m not going to apologize for not being around, I really did not have much to say. Well I did have something to say, I just couldn’t formulate the right words. I guess thats a continuing problem I have; “Inability to say what’s wrong.” But I digress.

Saturday morning, I found myself unable to sleep. I was sitting at my desk watching the end of some war movie with Bruce Willis and at some point I lost all composure and cried. It wasn’t the movie that made me cried and I really can’t say why, yet.

So,I was straight up bawling’ for a minute or two. So I’m sitting there, a grown ass, six foot two, 245 pound black man crying like a big pussy.

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I’m a quiet/shy guy, always have been and probably always will be. It’s who I am. Being quiet, I tend to internalized my problems, issues or anything bad that happens to me. A fine woman tells me that she wouldn’t date me because I dark, it’s my fault. Some nigga with a fatty wouldn’t give me any play saying I was too big, again it’s my fault. I almost die at work and I don’t sue or seek damages, I get talked about like a idiot, still it’s all my fault. I let all this shit build up and say that it doesn’t bother me, which it really doesn’t. (After awhile you really do start to believe your own lies.) It gets to a point where I mentally and physically break down. The last time was in December 2001, I was pledging Sigma and moms was forcing me to pay bills I couldn’t afford on my paycheck. School was kicking my ass and I had a ulcer from the stress. Twenty-one years old and I had a fucking ulcer, I’d would wake up every morning at 3am like clockwork and be in absolute pain. So the point I couldn’t take any more I was on Pledge line with some neophyte spouting bullshit at me. I look him straight in the face and said “Step the fuck, outta my face!” I proceeded to get my things and left. The next day I told my moms that I wasn’t paying her bills anymore and crawled into bed for most of the Christmas break.

Don’t feel bad for me, because it doesn’t matter and I really don’t care. (A defense mechanism)

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I haven’t cried since my accident. I cried not because I thought I was going die. I’m not afraid of dying… but I’m afraid of not being remembered. Sometimes I get upset that I have sex with men. My mom can accept the fact that she won’t be getting any grandkids from me, but I can’t. Internalizing that I’ll never get married, I’ll never have children that I won’t be happy, that I would make my mom happy. Again it’s all my fault. I hear about all my cousins popping out kids from my mom, and I know she loves me regardless but I know she’s disappointed. Secretly I want a wife, a loving woman to be by my side be my strong moral support, my back bone. I want kids, kids that look like me, calling me “daddy” with their brown eyes and big cheeks that get from me.

I can’t have any of that. Why? Because I’m an ass-fucking faggot, an abomination and a nigger to boot. I’m twenty-four years old and I feel that I haven’t done anything worth while in my life and I broke down. This past Saturday, I cried for things I can’t have in this world, I cried because I hate an aspect of my own life, and I cried because it was all my fault.

I just got some bad news not too long ago. My little brother, Tracy, mom passed away last Wednesday. She was only 40 years young.

My lil’ bruh is literally beside himself and doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to be there for his family. I need everyone to join me in praying for him. I know Tracy is can be strong even if he doesn’t believe it himself.

Its been a year since the accident and I just want to take some time to reflect on life. Use everyday to thank God that you have another 24 hours to spend on his beautiful planet. Tell your family and friends that you love them and don’t wait to the last minute to show that you care. We all don’t have that much time here so live well and live strong because it could be gone before you know it.

The Whole Story

Its 2005 y’all and fuck New Year’s resolutions. Why wait til the first of the year to start some shit ya ass is never gonna finish. You ain’t going to the gym, you ain’t gonna write that great novel and you’re still gonna be drinking or smoking or still hitting the pipe by March, so why bother. LOL

Aight, enough of my bullshitting. I’m not gonna lie, I have made a resolution for the 2005. Last year I resolve to be real, and be tru to myself. Dontcha just love buzz phrases? Did I follow through with my resolutions? You tell me. In 2004 I stop fucking with Alexius. The muh fucka was bad for my health like MSG. I overall learned to say “No” and keep my dick in my pants eventhough I’m still labelled the hoe of the group. I left my job at Purdue. I was there for 5 years and making $7.40/hour. Even though I still only have 70 credits, my financial aid was been revoked for life I generally hate the school, I’m enrolled the have my classes schedule and bout to be paid for the upcoming Spring semester. I started my paid internship at Lear Corp, started out making more then my moms and pops, moved out of my momma’s basement and went to a hellish ordeal when I had my accident. But I came out okay and if I want to, I can still seek legal action. 2004 had its up and down but I stayed real. Just like the soundbite from the Ho.ward St.ern Show: “I keep it real, cuz I’m keeping it real”

So for the year 2005, I resolve to

1. Take better care of myself both mentally and physically.
2. Be more considerate of other people’s feelings, cuz evil niggas don’t get sex.
3. Be a better blogger. This is my fourth blog, and this one will have SUBSTANCE. And maybe I should proofread more as well.
4. Disclose real shit. Not everyone needs to know that, Yes I’m a fag even if I love the look at females’ titties and asses, have threesome (ffm) dreams or could probably eat pussy better then any other nigga. I guess being honest is better in life.
5. I will have a new(er) car by exactly this time in 2006.

So with all that beeb said, what are some of your New Year’s Resolutions?

Well PhillyBred.com is about 75% operational. All the major shit has been installed sans my Flickr Gallery. It may be some time before I can migrate that over.

I’ve been seriously chilling out for the last two weeks. But don’t fret, unlike some people **cough*Darius*cough** I’m not writing something up every monday and bounce. I gots more respect for the 3.7 people who read this. But I digress. Essentially over my Holiday break I did the one thing I said I was gonna do; SLEEP. I slept my ass off in more ways than one. Here’s the breakdown;

Thursday-Christmas Eve: I didn’t get off work until 8am because a truck load of parts disappeared. I didn’t have a problem staying late if someone would have told me before 6:30am as I was heading home. I left at 6:30 anyway so I could my clothes together to do laundry and I came back to the plant. I sat around for an hour and a half playing Mario & Luigi on my GBA and I headed off to Bubbleland.

Why at 8am on Christmas Eve was the laundry mat crowded. I mean it ws packed like it was the club and shit. There were no carts and no parking in the front so I had to drag 5 bags of clothes from the back of building to a table. So now I’m irrated and covered in white dirt from my car, I brushed up against it several times to get my clothes, and this white girl keeps eyeballing me. I don’t know if it was the I like ‘Black Cock’ look cuz I’m slow and I never pick up on those kinda things. But it didn’t really matter, the only white meat I eat is chicken and pork. Been that way since I realize that those cracka variety can’t suck a dick to save their lives. Its quite sad. So fast forwarfd 2 hours and I get home. Before I crawled into bed I decided to clean house, especially my floors. Over the weeks I’ve track in water, mud and snow that my floors looked kinda fucked up. Plus I can’t have people thinking that I keep a triflin apartment regardless of the fact of how triflin I am. After my floors, bathroom and bed had that “Mr Clean” shine I finally crawled in bed and listen to the last few minutes of the Best of Stern.

I was up around 6pm, took a shit showered and shaved and went over to Ken’s for dinner and met his new friend who sprung for cheesecake. After all that and technically being up for six hours I wnet right back to bed.

Friday-Christmas Day: I was up at the crack of dawn watching Spongebob in my draws. Call my pops said my “merry Christmases” and then call my momz and did the same. I was quite content on laying around all day in my draws and day old balls but moms invite down to Crown Point for dinner with Hal (her piece) and his family.

Hal is white, bout as white as they come and has issues coming outta his ass.

Anyway what nigga would turn down free food plus I haven’t seen my moms since September so it was all good right? WRONG!

I hate being somewhere and feeling completely uncomfortable. For the entire time I was there I was mentally playing that game One of these things do not belong All I want to do is eat and leave but moms wanted me to stay and watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy Extra Extended 3 week long Version that only super-nerds who don’t get ass watch version and fix her computer. After all that I went home and straight to sleep.

Saturday-Kawanzaa & Sunday: Essentially I sat around my apartment, in my draws, watched Law & Order and jacked off. Don’t get it twisted, I wasn’t jacking off to Law & Order. Also saw Blade Trinty was Ken and Ronette. Movies kinda sucked but Ryan Renolds was funny.

Monday & Tuesday: I actaully worked and was productive, I think LOL. Anyway after work I watched some primetime TV and some DVDs I bought months ago and never had the time to open and watch. The rest of the week was fill with more sleeping, Law & Order, hanging out with my peoples, getting my pole wet and more TV. Essentially New Years Eve and Day will have to be in the next post cuz I’m am tired.

So Increible drunk right now… over my boy Drrrrl apartment drinking servely. I’ll be cool as long as I dont start dialin up number in my cell like last year. Myabe I’ll share that sotry for when I’m sober… Happy New Years