Hoo-Ride
-(noun) 1. An aesthetically unpleasing vehicle usually 8 to 20 years old in terms to current vehicle production. 2. A fucked up car. 3. A hooptie. Examples: 1. The Neon has finally achieved true hoo-ride status, after dealing with a hood that won’t stay close, trim that keeps falling off, two flat tires and a large puddle from the rain; a trunk that won’t lock makes it official. 2. “Yo Cuz, I need to run to the store, let me borrow ya hoo-ride to get there and back.”
Well I said I was gonna try and take a break but life won’t let me. Here’s a recap…
Saturday I only worked for 5 hours instead of 12 which was good cuz I was tired of looking at these muh fuckas. One more day I’ve would have doe some shit that would have gotten me fired and arrested in one swift motion. The Christmas party was Saturday as well. From what I heard from home-girl at the job, no one but management was their and it was boring. Big ups to Home-girl Erica for hooking a nigga up wit a plate. Anyway, by the end of the shift, in was snowing and I hate snow. INDOT is never on there shit and the streets were so fucked up. Lucky I only live 3 minutes away in good traffic so the ride home only took 20 minutes. I get home, strip to my draws, get a beer and watch Justice League Unlimited on my DVR while eating chicken from the Christmas party.
Sunday, I woke and was gonna get some breakfast from the Wheel. Its some restaurant in Hammond where on a good day some old geezer is bound to have a heart attack and die while choking down a tough ass piece of meat. But the omlets are off the chain. So I start to clean up, and I call the place and give them my order. I throw some jeans on and go to start my car so it’ll be warmed up. I ran back inside, made my bed ran some water to wash dishes and jumped in the car. As soon as I backed up onto the black top I knew my shit was fucked up. I had 2 flat tires. Both on the passanger side of my car. I never noticed them car my car was sitting in snow. I hate fucking snow, it killed my father and raped my mother, but I digress. So with not a lot of options I figure I on 2 flat tires to the gas station around the corner and see if I can put some air in them and still make it to the Wheel for my Denver omlet. My tires were new and I knew I didn’t puncture them. Must’ve been the air pressure and the cold air. A rational explaination, no?
So I actually make it to the gas station by taking a back street. All is good… Nope I guess that the two turn I had to make to the gas station, shifted the flat tire on my front wheel so now the rim is exposed. Now I can’t put air in the tire and I’m royally fucked.
Called My boy, Ken, for the number of Triple A and he offers to come wait with me cuz he’s coming this way anyway. By the time he gets to the gas station I was still on hold with Triple A, not saying that he was realy quick in getting there, but I was on hold for about 20 minutes. So after having my car sit at a gas station for about 3 hours this white guy in a flatbad truck comes around. Dude jumps out of the truck, and was literally “knee-high to a duck’s ass.” This muh fucka was short. Not like midget short but short enough that he would have to climb a step latter to jump and attempt and smack my balls. But he was cool. As he droppd my car off in front of my building he made the Hawaiian hand gesture or maybe it was the “Devil horns,” I wasn’t really paying attention. The rest of my Sunday was filled with VCR shopping with Ken, watching Dodgeball & I, Robot and cooking some Chicken Helper.
Which reminds me, why does it seem like I’m the only one who knows about Chicken Helper. I had to explain to several people including Ken what it was. “Like Hamburger Helper but with Chicken,” but I digress.
Been having a serious brain fart all day today couldn’t really think of anything to say. Couldn’t even think of some random shit to just throw on here, but I did want to move that photo post from he weekend, but I digress.
Since I don’t have any current shit to drone on about I guess I’ll bored y’all with a ditty bout my first girlfriend and a first kiss. Actually that’s a lie cuz it wasn’t my first kiss (remember that game Catch a girl, Freak a girl) this is a story bout an unwanted girlfriend and an unwanted kiss. A Sucka-punch Kiss…
It was that magic time, circa 1993-4, the golden age of hip hop when muh fuckas use to watch the Box, Donnie Simpson and Video Soul was still on BET and Real Sex was only or 4 or 5. Well around this time I was 13-14 years old, and I had this “girlfriend” and I use the term “girlfriend” severely loosely. Because when u think bout someone who’s suppose to be your girlfriend or boyfriend at any age you would think it would be somebody you like. This was not the case in my situation.
Now, I’m not trying to be mean but this is how I felt then and still is true today. My girlfriend’s name Shannon and she was one of those ‘Round da Corner muh fuckas cuz they just show up one day outta the blue from around the corner. She was tall, thick and kinda ogre-ish like the Hulk but had nice set of matching titties and ass (she showed me)… especially for a 14 year old. The problem with Shannon was the fact that she was slow. Not retarded even though that question came up a lot, but slow enough that she rode the short bus to school. In a group of females, Shannon was the one that the other girls had to defend when someone called her “Frankenstein” or started making Herman Munster sounds.
Don’t ask how she got to be my girlfriend. At some point I remember my boy Isaiah trying to holla at her, just to see if she would give up some pussy. He got tired of her and somehow she’s with me. How the fuck did that happen? Anyway, so me and Shannon are suppose to be boyfriend and girlfriend, whatever that means when you’re 13. I was at the age where I was lying bout getting pussy from “the girl from the other school” which means I wasn’t doing anything other then jacking off. The girl has never been pass the threshold on my front door. Which was fine by me cuz besides the one time she showed me and Isaiah her bra, Shannon wasn’t really give up anything. This one time, I was up in my room with my best friend Isaiah and my brother Jack playing something on Sega Genesis. My parents had the habit of letting anyone who said they were my friend into the house to come see me. So me, Ike and Jack are getting into something Sonic the Hedgehog or something and this head pops into the doorway, Shannon’s big Hulk head. She looks at me, I look at Isaiah, he looks at my little brother and Little Jack looks back at both of us. Everyone pause but no one paused the game, so we died.
Shannon: Hi Fez
Me: How jud get in?
Shannon: Mr. Anthony let me in…
(Both Jack and Isaiah snickering)
Shannon: Can I come up?
Me: Yea, we’re just playin’ Sonic so just keep quiet.
Shannon: Hi Jack, Hi Isaiah
(Now jack is full out laughing)
Isaiah & Jack: Hi Shannon
When this happened, both me and Isaiah were sitting on the floor of my room while my little brother was jumping on my bed. We try to get back into the game as Shannon proceeded to sit on the floor right next to me. Me and Isaiah are into the game, and SMACK. She kissed me. I turned and looked at her like “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” Shannon didn’t say anything, I didn’t saying anything. Isaiah and didn’t see a thing so I had plausible deniability. I don’t know why I was pisses, was it cause I wasn’t expecting it or wasn’t it because I was just being a little asshole, either way Shannon had to go.
Fast forward to that night, when I made Shannon cry. I didn’t want to her boyfriend. The reason why? Well not only was I get constantly getting asked “You’re Shannon’s boyfriend?” my parents started to tease me bout it so she had to be cut off. Was it a mean thing to do, sure but I was 13 and I have gotten my comeuppance.
I got my Teevo last night before I left work and I’m loving it. I came home for lunch to check on some of the stuff I set it to record and despite Ka.ramo being a whiny bitch it was all fucking good. I Teevoed Invader Zim, which is 100 times funnier the Fairly Odd Parents, and The Screen Savers, which now sucks since Comcast fired the enitre cast saved for Kevin and Sarah. Its the dawn of a new age for me… The Platinum Age Of Televison.
And if you’re wondering why I call it a Teevo and not a Tivo, well because it isn’t a Tivo. I guess that Tivo patent expired and the market is now oversaturate with knock-offs and wannabes. Plus u can get this shit dirt-ass cheap. Almost better then buying shit from a crack head.
Let me get started by saying I officially don’t care for Christmas as a hoilday.All the fuss about buying gifts and other hoo-rah is unnecessary. Shit kinda loses its magic when you turn 13. Anyway I fully support anyone whille to feel the spirit of giving, by all means pay a visit to my Amazon Wishlist, there’s a lot of things priced under $20 or Donate to my Paypal account. Help created a balance that will keep North Farson Street alive. Now on with the show…
My Twelveth Daze
On the first day of Chirstmas, the wife financed for me; a G5 wit lots of memory
On the 2nd day of Christmas , my momz laid-away for me; 2 Ken Cole suits
On the 3rd day of Christmas, the chick at the office grab-bagged to me; 3 DVDs
On the 4th day of Christmas, the homies got me; 4 sacks for smoking
On the 5th day of Christmas, the side piece sexed me; 5 times that night
On the 6th day of Christmas, my boss let me have; 6 days paid vacation
On the 7th day of Christmas, my pops bought for me; 7 Corona cases
On the 8th day of Christmas, my bruh paid for me; 8 table dances
On the 9th day of Christmas, I bought for me; 9 chains-all blinging
On the 10th day of Christmas, the Hustla-Man sold me; 10 flicks of fucking
On the 11th day of Christmas, genetics granted me; 11 inches swanging
On the final day of Christmas, the Sandman promised me; 12 hours sleeping
Dear Red-neck Mother Fucker,
This is a correspondance of thanks to the many nights and days of ruin sleep that u have caused. You’ve taken the long-forgotten and obsolete form of telecommunication, the Citizen Band Radio, and turn it into something thats so much more of a pain in the ass. Everytime I try to get a restful night/day of sleep, I hear you blaring through every speaker in my apartment; my computer system, my stereo system and my home-entertainment system, looking for someone to talk. You are a sorry son of a bitch.
How much you like to be driven out of a sound sleep to “Shut up dill hole!” or “Anybody out there?” every three hours. I have to flip circuits off in the breaker box to get any solidarity because not only does your voice come through when everything turned off, your one-sided CB conversations will come through with the slightest amount of power. I can’t have company without them being scared out of their minds when voices come through the walls. The last few time I wsa lucky enough to get sex, the mood was almost thrown off because you were looking for a friend. I can’t fucking stand it anymore. I’m about ready to jump the fence into your yard and rip that damn antenna off your house and shove it up your ass.
And who’s the fuck uses a cb radio in their house. Its not police-band, you’re not in a truck. Hell, there isn’t even a good whore house in Hammond so you can’t be trying to get laid off that thing. The only thing close is the bathhouse around the corner. All the perverts, got smarter and moved to the Intarweb. You need to catch the fuck up because its obvisious that you have been left behind. I hope that you’re retarded or something to that nature because that is the only reason that can justify what you’ve been doing. You’re a sad excuse for a human being.
I just wanna give a big thanks to the mighty fine people at FMLive.net for having my site up and run in 10 minutes and all waiting was for IP propagation. I pray that they’re more reliable than PinchPenny.org, and I shall never incur any unnecessary downtime again.
Well I have food and I should be happy for that, but I’m not. Before I say what happened let me get out that I can cook. But after being up all night and cleaning my bathroom and scrubbing my floor after working twelve hours – I passed out… after I put the ham in the oven. Suffice to say, the ham was burnt. Actually it was like that scene in Faces Of Death where the apartment complex was on fire and the negros were basically barbequed. Oh well – Lets see if somebody we hook a nigga up with a plate.
I was just looking at the web stats for my site and I cam across the search engine keywords. And for the month of November the number one keyword or keyphrase that returned my site was Negrotastic. I don’t even remember using this ass-fuck of a made up word btu I had to google it myself and sure enough there was North Farson Street. Who in that un-right mind is looking up Negrotastic?